That awkward moment
when you win a Grammy and everyone has to google your name
Seriously album of the year…
- Jim Halpert: After you sir.
- Dwight Schrute: No thank you. I never let anyone walk behind me. Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
- Jim Halpert: Okay, well that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
- Dwight Schrute: Uh, yeah but it'll be easier to stop. I can always block the blow, I can counter it.-- [Jim slaps Dwight, then walks away.]
I’m laying in bed typing on my iPod on tumblr for the first time in god knows when… And I can’t sleep. Of course Mandy is dead asleep lol she falls asleep almost immediately every night. Tonight has been weird I actually started talking about my feelings with Mandy and the more I talked the more I felt like she didn’t care too much. She didn’t have anything to say… I guess I deserve that because I usually don’t know what to say when she tells me whats going on with her. Guess now I know how it feels… I think I was looking for an unrealistic response and was discouraged when I didn’t get it. I talked about how I felt I didn’t deserve to have feelings and I deserved to feel bad about things because of how I have made her feel in the past… I guess Mandy agrees that I should feel that way because she didn’t really respond. She seemed more interested in sleeping at that point. I don’t get it sometimes, she gets mad when I don’t talk to her, yet when I do she either gets more mad or isn’t interested. Where is the incentive to talk? I may not open up often but when I do it’s usually pretty important or at least it is to me… I dunno now that I have tumblr on my iPod I’ll write on here more and be able to talk to my imaginary friends. Lord knows I have no one else…
I wish I could turn back time. Restart and prevent the mistakes Ive made and the selfishness ive had over my life.
I wish things could go back to the way they were before Paris.
I wish Mandy really knew how much she means to me, because then she would never question or worry.
Im afraid that our relationship is falling apart. We get into fights more and more about stuff that is in the past or that I have no control over. Sometimes I think she looks for opportunities to start arguments that I cant win, or she asks questions that are lose lose situations. I feel like no matter what I do or what i say its never the right thing. Ive been honest recently with everything ive said, but the damage is done.
I know she doesnt trust me, but how can any relationship work without trust. Its not healthy. Ive changed a lot, and ive been getting help. But I feel like she doesnt recognize any of it, I feel like its all for nothing… Except a lot of what im doing isnt just for her, its for me too.
Im sure in someway this too will start another fight. I hate it when shes mad at me, which seems like more and more these days. It just lowers my self esteem to know that the ONLY person in my life that I care about, the only person I have, doesnt trust me and ”wants to be around me” but when we are together is mad at me.
So im pretty depressed right now.
Expect a fight tonight because tim says practice is until 9…yay… cant wait to go home…
What am i doing
Why do I continue to destroy the one person in my life that has been there for me? why am I so selfish when I care so much about her? I cant help but think that the best thing for her is for us not to be together. I just cant break up with her because I know if I do Ill sink even deeper into depression and will have no one in my life to depend on. Ive had so many secrets for so long. Now they are finally out in the open and im relieved and excited to get them out of my life, but im worried that it has cost me the one thing that i should have held on to. I havent allowed myself to really get close with her even though weve been together so long because ive been lying and afraid to tell her all of my secrets. But now everythings out in the open, and im sure it wont be long before shes gone…I dont even want to be with me how could she?Ive hidden this stuff for so long because I hate who I am. She fell in love with me, but she didnt know the baggage I carried.
Here I am sitting in the business building crying because I know that my relationship is on the brink and its all because of me. She will never trust me again.
Mandy you deserve someone who can be honest with you, who wont look at others, and who can communicate with you well. There ARE better guys for you, I know there are.
Youre life would be better without me, mine would be over without you. Youve helped me so much already, ive grown a lot, I need your help more in times to come but I understand if you cant be there… I need help.
Pray for me. for us.